Gone in Thirty Seconds · 20 April 2010

A young man (who looks like Nicholas Cage) is looking longingly into a storefront window (the kind of store cannot be determined by the camera angle).  He gives a heavy sigh and turns away almost bumping into a police officer (who looks like Delroy Lindo) walking the beat.  The two men eye each other suspiciously but with recognition.  They know each other and are on opposite sides of the law.

The young man is nicknamed GLAZE DOUGHMAN.  He is an ex-con and does not want to get on the bad side of OFFICER HOLIMAN (who everybody mockingly mispronounces “holy man”).

Officer Holiman


Well.  Well. Well.  If it isn’t the Doughman.


(submissively defiant)

Officer Holy Man.


(bristling and harsh)

When did you get out Doughman?


A couple months ago.  Just got back to the neighborhood today, though.  Thought I’d look in on my brother, KIBBLE.  I heard he was going through a rough spell.



You sure you’re not trying to set up the old family business?



No.  I learned my lesson.


Good to hear.  I hope that I do NOT see you around here.  But I WILL be watching.

Glaze walks away with a cool glance backward and a wave toward Officer Holiman.

Glaze opens the rickety gate of the picket fence outside the family home.  He walks up the walk then up the steps.  He pauses briefly on the porch and sighs heavily as he opens the door.


Glaze goes in the front door and looks around the living room.



Kibble.  Anybody home?

Glaze goes into the kitchen where he sees a pretty big mess.  There are lots of donut boxes lying around as well as other food mess.  He hears creaking on the front steps and knows somebody is approaching.  Glaze goes back out to the living room.



The door opens to a feminine figure silhouetted against the midmorning sun and framed by the doorway.  It is definitely not Kibble.


Nope.  It’s just me.



Cookie (who looks like Angelina Jolie) completely enters the room.  She and Glaze join in a long warm embrace (hug).


How long have you been out?


(looking down at his feet)

A couple months ago.

Cookie slaps Glaze hard across the cheek.



A couple months ago?!  Why you no good…

Their happy reunion is interrupted by feet clomping hastily up the steps and the screen door being practically ripped off the hinges by the returning KIBBLE (who looks like Giovanni Ribisi).  In his hands he holds a mysterious box (which looks amazingly like the donut boxes in the kitchen).  Kibble looks at his brother and as recognition and realization hit simultaneously his eyes light up and he yells excitedly


(out of breath but excitedly)

Glaze!  I can’t believe it’s you!

Kibble looks at Cookie.


(very excitedly)

This is great!  I can’t believe you’re both here.  Look at what they had behind the bakery just laying around.

Glaze and Cookie both roll their eyes.  Glaze throws his hands up in exasperation.  He is about to speak.



It’s the Holy Man coming up the walk.



Oh Kibble.  I wanted to keep you away from this life.  Quick.

Glaze grabs a donut and shoves it into his mouth.  Cookie does too.  They barely chew, swallow, and have their hands on a second one as Kibble looks on in amazement.  Glaze motions to him to start eating and the look in his eyes says to hurry up.  Kibble understands and grabs a donut and shoves it whole into his mouth.  They are all chewing hurriedly when Officer Holiman raps on the door with his nightstick.  Glaze, Cookie, and Kibble swallow hard.  Officer Holiman enters.



Well Doughman.  Or should I say, Glaze?  It looks like it didn’t take long for you to get back into your old habits.

Officer Holiman and Glaze meet gazes.  Glaze drops his eyes to look at his feet.


I guess you get to see your last old neighborhood, eh Doughman.

Kibble finally understands and is horrified to think that his brother is going to go back to jail because of something that he did.  He stutters a little as he tries to explain.


(stuttering a little)

W-w-wait.  You can’t take my brother away again.  He didn’t do anything.


Don’t say anything Kibble.


No.  Look Officer Holy Man.  I mean Holiman.  I bought these fair and square.  I even have the receipt.

Kibble reaches toward his back pocket.  Officer Holiman eyes him suspiciously and moves his right hand toward his sidearm so Kibble slowly removes his hand and shows the police officer his receipt.


See.  They were having a sale in the back of the bakery.  Just for locals and…



I wondered what the ruckus was behind the store earlier.  One of the bums said they were giving donuts away but I didn’t believe him.  I guess your receipt proves it.

Officer Holiman nods toward the half full box of donuts.


May I?

Kibble looks at Glaze questioningly.  Glaze gives him an affirmative nod.


Sure.  Why not?

Officer Holiman takes the biggest donut left, a chocolate covered filled donut.


Thank you.

Officer Holiman opens the door and walks out.  Before he starts down the steps, he turns and looks back.


I’ll still be watching.

Officer Holiman walks down the stairs, down the walk and out the rickety picket fence gate.  Glaze, Kibble, and Cookie look at each other and let out a sigh of relief.  They throw back their heads and laugh as they pat each other on the back and fall on the sofa and chairs in the room.  Kibble finally ends the relieved laughfest.


Well, I guess that is one box of donuts that didn’t need to be gone in thirty seconds.

Everybody laughs.

© 2010 Michael T. Miyoshi

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